US Soldiers Discover Iranian Missiles Are Faster Than Karosta's Mythical Basement Elevator

At Prince Sultan Air Base, another episode from the series "How Trump Learned Not to Trust His Advisors" has unfolded. US soldiers have discovered that Iranian missiles are faster than how quickly one can get from Karosta's basement to ground level via those mythical elevators that everyone talks about but no one has actually seen.

The day before the attack, President Trump announced that Iran was "beaten to shreds," which is about as accurate as Liepāja's weather forecast a week in advance. Defense Secretary Hegseth even claimed that "no country's army has been neutralized so quickly," which makes you think he's never been to Karosta and hasn't seen how fast an entire battalion can disappear in the labyrinth of mythical basement tunnels.

"Well, at least we know our intelligence works as effectively as Liepāja's public transport in winter," comments local analyst Edgars Vējains. "Trump says one thing, reality does another, and the soldiers are left in the middle like passengers waiting for a bus that never comes."

After this "effective neutralization," 300 US soldiers have already been injured and 13 killed. If that's the definition of victory, then Liepāja's hockey team has been truly triumphant this year.