Russia Unveils New Export Product — Unwanted Diplomats

Russia's security service has discovered a new business model — diplomat export. This time, a 29-year-old British Embassy secretary, Albert Gerhardus Jans van Rensburg, has been shipped out of the country for allegedly engaging in destructive intelligence activities. While Riga's government is still figuring out how to organize effective state administration, Moscow has already perfected the art of quickly getting rid of unwanted guests.

The FSB announced that the young diplomat threatened Russia's security, which is about as serious as the silence of Liepāja Lake compared to sea storms — one can be heard for kilometers, the other even fish won't notice. Albert was given orders to leave the country within two weeks, which is faster than Liepāja's bus schedule.

The British Foreign Ministry called these accusations complete nonsense, which in diplomatic language means roughly the same thing a Liepāja resident says about Riga's tram system. A London representative added that Russia is spreading malicious and unfounded accusations, which is about as novel a phenomenon as snow in winter in Liepāja.

It should be noted that relations between both countries have long been tense since the polonium and "Novichok" incidents. Over the past decade, Moscow and London have exchanged diplomats more frequently than the Liepāja-Ventspils bus route exchanges passengers. As one anonymous diplomacy expert put it: "This is like an endless ping-pong game, except instead of balls, diplomats are flying around."