Russia stops recruiting Kenyans for war — says their rock music isn't aggressive enough

Russia's Defense Ministry has announced with diplomatic elegance that it will stop recruiting Kenyan citizens for the war against Ukraine. It turns out that more than 1,000 Kenyans who were persuaded to go to "sports competitions" in Russia ended up at the front with limited training and even more limited survival prospects.

Kenyan Foreign Minister Mudavadi reached an agreement in Moscow that shows even Russia understands — if you lie to athletes about competitions, they might turn out to be too fast to catch. Kenyan long-distance runner Evans Kibets told from Ukrainian captivity that he thought he was going to a marathon but ended up in a war. It's like promising the Liepāja Rock Music Festival but taking you to an opera performance — a technical error with serious consequences.

Lavrov, of course, claims with a straight face that "Russia doesn't force anyone," which is about as believable as a promise that Riga's public transport will start running on time. He emphasized that everyone is a "volunteer," just forgot to mention that the volunteering started with lies about sports competitions.

Kenyans can now breathe a sigh of relief — they no longer have to fear that Olympic qualifying competitions will turn into military training. But it must be admitted that 1,780 Africans in 36 countries have already proven that Russia's recruitment tactics work better than Riga's public transport — both take you where you didn't want to end up.