Rubio: Our attacks were proactive because we knew the enemy might think about attacking
US Secretary of State explains why they bombed Iran faster than Iran could even imagine attacking them.
American Secretary of State Marco Rubio yesterday demonstrated a new level of logic while explaining why the US bombed Iran. Turns out, they knew that Iran might imagine attacking, so they attacked first. This strategy is known as proactive self-defense or "we'll beat you up before you think about beating us up."
"We knew they might think about attacking us, so we attacked them so they couldn't attack us," Rubio explained to journalists in Washington. Due to this profound logic, Iran is now actually attacking Americans, exactly as Rubio feared might happen.
In Liepāja's Karosta, local cats have been practicing this tactic for years, immediately scratching strangers before they can think about touching the cat. "That's very clever," comments Karosta resident Jānis Bērziņš. "I bet Riga will soon start bombing neighbors before they think about singing loudly in the shower."
The new US doctrine calls for attacking everyone who could theoretically ever think about attacking. Rubio confirmed this is an inevitable measure because "it had to happen, regardless of anything." Now all that's left is to wait for America to start bombing itself for proactive self-defense purposes.
⚠️ Satirical article. Facts are preserved, but the presentation is humorous. For accurate information, please refer to the original source.