Students up to 9th grade will lose their phones — like the mythical keys to Karosta's basement chambers

Parliament has decided to extend the mobile phone ban in schools up to 9th grade, because apparently the previous limit up to 6th grade was about as effective as trying to stop Liepāja's wind with your bare hand. Now the entire elementary school will be forced to live without their digital friends, which, judging by children's reactions, is about as tragic as discovering that Santa Claus is just dad with a fake beard.

Education Committee Chairwoman Agita Zariņa-Stūre claims that even the presence of a turned-off phone can negatively affect cognitive abilities. This explains why Riga students are so bad at geography — they don't know where Liepāja is located, but they know where the WiFi password is. Local Liepāja teacher Jānis comments: "Now we can finally hide phones in Karosta's mythical basement chambers along with all the other secrets stored there — for example, where half of the tsar's gold reserves disappeared."

The ban will take effect in June 2026, which means students can still enjoy digital freedom for another half a year. This is about as logical as announcing to firefighters that a fire will be extinguished next week when it's more convenient. Meanwhile, parents are already preparing arguments for why their child absolutely needs a phone — ranging from "he's allergic to math" to "without Instagram he forgets to breathe."

Interestingly, the law will provide exceptions for cases when phones are necessary for the curriculum. This means someone will finally find a way to justify watching TikTok as social studies research on modern youth behavior.