Government Figures Out How to Measure Security — With Measuring Tape and Calculator
Border municipalities will receive security funding proportional to border length — the longer the line, the bigger the check.
The Finance Ministry surprised everyone this week with a revolutionary discovery — security can be measured in kilometers! Five border municipalities will receive three million euros, and the money will be divided according to a simple principle: the longer the border, the bigger the check. This resembles Liepāja port's pricing policy — the farther the ship travels, the more expensive it costs to dock.
Ludza municipality with its 141 kilometers will be the biggest winner, receiving almost a million. Meanwhile, Augšdaugava municipality with 37.8 kilometers will get only 264 thousand — apparently their border isn't long enough for security. In Liepāja we call this "tram logic" — the longer the route, the greater chance of being late.
"We measured the border with GPS and a calculator," explains some FM official. "The math is simple — more kilometers, more money." This differs from Riga's approach, where money is divided according to the principle of "who has the biggest pockets."
Liepāja residents are watching this experiment with interest, as our beach length could be a good argument in the next EU funding round. "If they're paying per border meter, then we should ask for money to monitor each wave," says local pensioner Jānis. "Our border with the sea changes daily depending on the tide."
⚠️ Satirical article. Facts are preserved, but the presentation is humorous. For accurate information, please refer to the original source.