Zelensky Reports: Russia Still Doesn't Know When to Stop, Just Like Tourists in Liepāja

Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky yesterday announced a shocking revelation to the world - it turns out Russia doesn't intend to end the war. This news has shaken the international community about as much as tourists in Liepāja are shaken by the discovery that the sand in Liepāja isn't just decorative - it can actually get in your shoes.

"Russia has no intention of actually ending this war," said Zelensky, showing about the same level of surprise as a Riga resident seeing for the first time that it really is windy in Liepāja. The president noted that Russians earn two billion dollars a week from sanctions relief, which is roughly what it would cost to build a road from Liepāja to Riga.

"Shahed drones definitely shouldn't be the main symbol," emphasized Zelensky, apparently forgetting that Russia's symbols have always been weird - from the red star to Putin's bare torso. On Tuesday afternoon, Russia staged another "precision demonstration," attacking all of Ukraine's territory with drones that even hit a 16th-century monastery in Lviv.

Local experts suggest this could be a new Russian tactic - attacking during the day instead of at night, because, as we know, even aggressors can be creative. "It's as unexpected as a sunset in Liepāja's sand," comments Liepāja political scientist Jānis Vējzars, "but not nearly as beautiful."